A Memorial for Dad

It's so hard having to saying goodbye to a parent. I've had to do so now twice. And I assure you it doesn't ever get any easier. If anything, it just gets harder.

Today is the memorial service for my Father, Russ. We were asked to share some words. That was actually a much harder task than I anticipated. For one, we were asked to share a short paragraph. Well, if you know me, you know that I'm pretty long winded. Soooo a "short paragraph"? Haha! But second, my heart is just so heavy and emotional right now. My mind just can't gather my thoughts. There's so much I want to share of him. So much story to tell of who he is and who he is to me.

Maybe it's because I feel like I didn't get enough time with him. My children didn't get to have enough time with him. There was still so much more I wanted to learn from him and talk to him about and plans and things and stuff! It all just seems so unfair.

Even though dad was technically my dad for all my life, I didn't know him as such until I was 18 years old. This coming February 2020, it would have been 24 years (That story can be found here). Maybe I feel a bit ripped off? Shorted? I don't know...Just brokenhearted.

Please don't get me wrong, growing up with my Dad, John who raised me was awesome! He was my very best friend! I would never want to go back and change a thing! Growing up he was our superhero and frankly, our everything! And losing him unexpectedly in 2011 was devastating (that story can be found here). Maybe it's that I didn't get enough time with either of them...my two dads. But, do we ever get to a point in life where we feel it's been long enough? Yeah, probably not.

I think it's because I've finally gotten to a point in my life where I was getting "used to" (if that's even a such thing) living with a piece of my heart missing...and then I lose another.

To have to go through each holiday, birthdays, special days...everyday. It's so hard. You think of something you want to ask, you have something hilarious happen and want to share, your heart is sad and you just need to hear their words of wisdom. You see them in your children's smile, the twinkle in their eyes and in the waves of their hair. You hear them in yourself as you tell an obnoxious joke and let out a hearty belly laugh! You hear them in the tenderness of your voice and feel them in the comfort of your arms as you console your little ones' hearts. You sense their presence when you're alone and lost in your thoughts...you just miss them so deeply.

You want to keep their spirits alive, so you share stories of anything and everything you can think of...even the simple ones.

And the dreams...Those precious blessed gifts from God you receive here and there to let you know that everything is much more than just ok...but wonderful and oh so beautiful!

The world moves on...even you...and sometimes it seems unfair.

Wait! Let me tell you more about the ones I love! Please don't forget! Please sit and listen...

I realize it's ok to hurt, to grieve, to share and never let go...

It's not a sickness or a disorder.

It's expected...And, should be.

Death isn't joyful or happy.

Death is the cause of brokenness.

But, I trust that God uses ALL things...

He gave us His only Son, Jesus

And He came to defeat death!

And in Him we have a promise!

Until then, it's ok to mourn when we must say goodbye...

But it's only just for now...

Because after all...
Weeping may endure for a night,
But joy comes in the morning
~Psalm 30:5

And so, I will also try to celebrate! Celebrate in the memories. Celebrate who they were...who they are! And more importantly, what's to come!

Here's my "short paragraph" for Dad...

Uncle Russ with the cool big red truck. My dad's friend. The really nice guy who let us climb all over his truck and even him too!

Until the day I discovered he wasn't just "Uncle Russ".

Instead, I learned he was actually my father. A secret kept for 18 years...from me, from him, from many others.

It's funny to look back on those days...My heart knew his already and his knew mine. It just needed to be reminded somehow that we were each other's.

There wasn't this awkward trying to get to know each other stage...He quickly became my father and I, his daughter. Like we just picked right up where we left off as if in another life...Probably just the way it should have always been.

My heart is forever grateful to have been reconnected with my father, who became one of my best friends, my hero, an amazing role model to not just myself, but his grandchildren!

I am honored to be called his daughter.

To everything there is a season,
A time for every purpose under heaven:
A time to be born,
And a time to die;
A time to plant,
And a time to pluck what is planted;
A time to kill,
And a time to heal;
A time to break down,
And a time to build up;
A time to weep,
And a time to laugh;
A time to mourn,
And a time to dance...
~Ecclesiastes 3:1-4

And what a beautiful joy it is now for dad to be dancing with our good and kind Lord!

 

Goodbye for now...Until we meet again Dad!