Thursday, April 16, 2015

Where was I?

Today one of my kiddos had a Dr's Appt. and while waiting in the lobby I met the most adorable little guy...and his Mama. He was so precious and was so not shy in the least. I asked his Mama how old he was and she said he was a year. She then tells me, "Oh man, after I had him it was like the floodgates opened up for my body to have more babies!" I was a little shocked by her openness and laughed, and responded, "Oh, really?" She says, "Oh ya, I was pregnant with twin girls!" I say, "Wow, really? You have a one year old and twin girls?! That's w..." Before I can even finish saying "That's wonderful!" she interrupts me and proudly corrects me, "On no! I WAS pregnant with twin girls...I had to get rid of that!" And she laughed and laughed...

I was shocked...Shocked silent. I didn't know how to respond to her. I sat silently for a moment...a long awkward moment and then said, "Oh." All I said was, "Oh." The only thing that came out of my mouth was, "Oh". I was afraid to say anything else as I glanced over at my own children...I wanted to come right out and ask, "Oh, you had an abortion?" To which of course she would have answered yes. Then I would have asked her why. But, those words weren't coming out of my mouth...Just "Oh". I looked at another mother seated by me who sat there eyes widened as she played with her own daughter's braided hair. She looked shocked too...Both of us saying nothing....Both of us obviously shocked by the young mother's unapologetic honesty. I was thankful when the receptionist called us. I didn't even look at her when we passed by...Instead, with my head filled with whirling thoughts, heart filled with overwhelming emotion and eyes filled with tears, I smiled at her little boy...This precious little one year old full of life!

On the drive home I became filled with anger...How can she be so brazen about what she did? She aborted her twin baby girls! For her to know that they were twins AND girls, meant she had to be pretty far along. She had to have heard their heart beats...She had to have seen them moving and playing in her womb...Her girls...Her two baby girls! How does someone do that?! And then to talk about it so openly as if it were just casual conversation...As if she were just changing her mind at the grocery store putting something back on the shelf!

I thought to myself...I know women who have had abortions and now regret that decision. They are crushed and heartbroken by the choice they made to end their precious unborn baby's life. They often will say that they never knew their baby was as developed as they thought...That they were lied to at the clinic...That they thought their baby was just a "mass of tissue" or a "cluster of cells"...Not yet a formed baby. They are broken inside for the loss of their baby....A loss caused by their own choice. They have gone through post traumatic stress disorder, depression and suicidal thoughts or even attempts. But, here is this woman bragging to a waiting room that she "got rid of" her twin girls! No remorse...No shame. She obviously knew she wasn't aborting a mass of tissue...No, she knew full well that she was ending the lives...not the potential lives...but the actual lives of her two baby girls! Why?! AND, she's a mother! She had already given birth to a very healthy and beautiful baby boy! What could cause her to not allow those babies life?! I was getting madder and madder the further I drove and the further I thought.

I started thinking..."I wonder if there were any of those sidewalk counselor's there? Was there anyone out there calling out to her pleading for her children's lives? Was there anyone there speaking up for her children who have no voice? Hmmm...I bet not. I wonder if there had been, maybe those twin girls would still be here today. There needs to be more people out there doing that. Where were they?"

And then it hit me...I heard God say to my heart..."Where were YOU?"

I cried...Where was I? That's the real question...We all want others to get the work done...But, where am I? Maybe if I was out there, those twin girls would still be here...Or perhaps maybe not...But, I will never know that because I wasn't there.

No more waiting for someone else to do the work. I am committing myself to being there. I don't know where to start or even what to say. But, I know that I can no longer sit safely at home hiding behind my computer posting pro-life pictures, quotes and articles on FaceBook, Twitter, etc...while wondering "where they were".
I have to...No, I must get out there and be there. I feel unworthy...I know that I am not capable of changing other people's minds...But...God is.

I am trusting in Him who is calling me to be there...

Rescue those who are being taken away to death;
hold back those who are stumbling to the slaughter.
If you say, "Behold, we did not know this,"
does not he who weighs the heart perceive it?
Does not he who keeps watch over your soul know it, 
and will he not repay man according to his work?

~Proverbs 24:11-12

An ultrasound image of 13 week old twins 

Sunday, April 5, 2015

Wait Patiently For Her...Right Now She's Mine

My beautiful 17 year old daughter who is a Junior in high school has this way about her...A gentle, loving, kind, free spirited, and feisty kind of way about her. She's both delicate and tough...Has a soft heart but can handle the trials God hands her with such strength. I am often in awe of her...Just watching who she is...Since she was just an infant cradled in my arms nursing away, to a rambunctious toddler in princess dresses and boots climbing trees, to my little ballerina dancing her heart out as if no one else were there, to a shy and timid 12 year old wanting to rather hide away than have to look into someone's eyes or to speak out loud (unless you were a good friend or family member and then you'd know a girl who could yack your ear off and give you a pretty good arm wrestling match), to the lovely young lady she is today...So precious and yet so ferocious at the very same time!

This girl of mine has attracted the attention of a couple young men, also in high school...That of course turns this normally quiet Mama (Haha...Ok, I laughed pretty hard at that too...But, let's all just play along for fun anyway), into a raging protective Mama Bear...on steroids! Now, at first it was kinda cute...only just a little kinda. Because I mean she is pretty stinkin' adorable...But, then it just got annoying. See, her Daddy and I have a rule...No dating in high school. I know that may seem harsh, extreme and maybe even a bit mean to some...But honestly, dating in high school is totally unnecessary and just asking for drama that no one at this age needs. We have all seen it, heard about it, or experienced it ourselves. We don't want that for our daughter...or any of our other children...or even your children for that matter. Now I'm not saying parents are wrong for allowing their children to date...It's just our personal convictions to not allow it. As we say...While we may be convicted of "something", that doesn't necessarily make that "something" a sin for someone else. This is just a personal thing that has been placed on our own hearts, parenting our own children.

Has this been easy? Nope. Her friends have all been dating since middle school...That occasionally makes her feel out of the loop and sometimes like a "baby". It does make me feel a tad smidge sorta kinda sad-ish for her...But, actually not really. To be completely honest, I don't really care too much that she hasn't had a real boyfriend...She has though been allowed a "special friend"...Which turned out to be pretty much a mistake and her dad and I learned some tough lessons through all that...Long story...We won't go there...Today...
No, I'm not sad that she hasn't experienced that thrill of someone telling you that they'll be with you for always and then experience the heartache of seeing him with someone new. I'm not disappointed for her that because she won't go far enough, she will then feel not good enough. I'm not too bummed out that she won't know what it's like to have her heart skip a beat when she's told I love you just to make some choices she shouldn't and then experience what it's like to be alone and have that feeling of regret, shame and loneliness. I'm ok with her not experiencing jealousy, rage, hate, unworthiness, self loathing, etc...All while in high school. High school is hard enough for goodness sakes, without all the unnecessary drama of dating another teenager also going through all the same hard growing up stuff! Why would you want to add to the already tough stuff?

Most of the time my daughter is completely fine with not dating. She gets an ear full and an eye full on a daily basis from her peers. And although she is very caring, kind, compassionate and attentive to their heartaches...She does not envy them. But, sometimes she still wonders what it would be like to be a "pair"...She fancies romance. Now, I am all for romance...Just not in high school. She is such a loving girl...She desires to love and be loved! This is perfectly fine for me...Not so much dad though. God created us to love. I want her to love and be loved too...Just not in high school. Sometimes she gets hurt because of our rule. She'll meet a young man who will always compliment "just how different she is than any other girl" and "how she has this special thing about her that makes you want to be different too". This will usually only last a couple months until they get bored and move on...Making her feel rejected. Sometimes she blames Mom and Dad. I know sometimes she thinks it's our fault...But honestly, I think we are doing her a favor. See, the good guys will show her that they respect her by respecting her parents views and wishes.They will befriend her and wait patiently to see what the future holds because they know deep in their hearts, she's worth it...And the other guys? Well, the impatient ones get weeded out. And, I'm sure that's an added gift from God.
She is well aware that the ones who move on, weren't really her's to begin with anyway...and God has graciously showed her this through their own choice of walking away without any fault of her's.

Now I wouldn't say that my husband and I believe in courting versus dating...Although, we do feel like dating should include the parents. It just helps keep things out in the open and helps keep both parties accountable. And, when our children are graduated from high school if they so choose to date...That's between them, the one whom they chose, and God. We can only pray and hope for the best...and trust in the Lord.

My girl is now at a place where she wants to trust in God and also trust that we are making parenting decisions that will bless her. She wants to patiently wait upon the Lord...Although, it's tough when you're a girl with a romantic heart. She wants to meet her "Prince Charming". But, right now she belongs to this Mama Bear.