Saturday, August 1, 2015

Missing Pieces

Have you ever lost something that made you feel just not quite whole? I mean, you were still you, but inside you felt like something just wasn't quite right...Like a piece of you was missing.

On Friday, January 31, 2013 I started to feel very dizzy, my heart rate was thru the roof. The last thing I remember was trying to catch my breath and sit down...The next thing I remember, I am lying on the basement floor at the bottom of the stairs. My middle daughter who was only 6 at the time found me, she gasped, ran down to me and said, "Mama, you're bleeding on your head, are you ok?" She didn't even wait for an answer and quickly ran to get my oldest daughter who was 14 and my oldest son who was 12. My 12 year old got to me first. He asked me if I was ok, but also didn't even wait for an answer. He grabbed the phone and threw it at my 14 year old and said, "Call 911!" He walked upstairs quickly but calmly and kept the littlest ones 2 and 4 distracted and busy. My 14 year old calmly spoke to the emergency operator telling her that her mother had fallen down the stairs and that I was bleeding from my forehead. She didn't know what happened to me, and at that moment, neither did I! The operator told her that I was not to move at all and to just lay there and wait for the paramedics, police and any other emergency responders...they were on their way. I wasn't going anywhere anyway...I had fractured my ankle during the fall. My daughter was so brave and stayed strong for me the whole time...Not breaking down even once...even when the police officer arrived and paramedics finally wheeled me out. She stood there and smiled telling me that she would call dad and everything would be ok. My children were my heroes that day...I praise God for them!
In the hospital they discovered that I had a condition in the upper chambers of my heart, but that it could be "fixed" with a minor procedure and daily medication...I was so relieved! We all thanked and praised God for sparing me!

A little more than 7 months later, Friday, September 13, 2013...A day I have no memory of...I don't even remember that week, or even the week before. I guess I had driven with my younger 3 (ages 6 1/2, almost 5 and 2 1/2) to my oldest daughter's school to help the kids in the marching band get ready for their performance during the football game. My daughter who was 6 at the time, says that once we parked and got out of the truck, I stopped, took a deep breath, told the kids to hold on for a second, and then collapsed right there in the parking lot and right in front of my children. A couple other band parents ran to see if I was ok. They called the ambulance and brought my children in the school to keep them distracted. My oldest who was now 15 was brought to me and her description of what she saw and how she reacted pains my heart severely! There "just so happened" to be a mom who was also an ICU nurse who immediately started CPR on me. She was only able to get my heart to flutter, but her quick response ultimately saved my life! I praise God for her! The police officers who "just so happened" to have already been at the school since the football game was getting ready to begin, were the first responders and one of them had to use the portable defibrillator on me which finally got my heart to start beating. The paramedics who also "just so happened" to be pulling into the high school parking lot because of the football game were also right on the scene very quickly and rushed me straight to the hospital where I am told I crashed several times, was in a coma for about 4-5 days, and the doctors and nursing staff didn't really think I was going to make it. Well, I did...I still have no memory of anything that happened. But, I do have wonderful memories of waking up and seeing my husband, children and my Aunty (who is much more like another mother to me). My youngest son turned 5 while I was in the hospital and my husband brought his presents and cupcakes so that I could be a part of that...A very special memory!
While in the hospital they discovered that I had another heart condition, but this time in the bottom chambers of my heart...not fixable. My doctor said that I needed surgery to implant a pacer/defibrillator just as a precaution...My heart sank. So, now I have this device in me...But, at least I have my life...I praised God! And the kiddos say that now I'm robo-mom...Haha! Oh ya...and one more thing says doc, "No more children, ok?" That was very hard to hear...But, God had preserved my life! He gave me a second chance! I have such a beautiful family! It took a while to accept, but God granted me the peace and understanding...I thanked Him for the beautiful children He had so mercifully blessed me with and praised Him!

Sunday, July 11, 2015...I start to worry that I may be pregnant. I tell Gary, he starts to worry too. I say that I will give it one more week.
Tuesday, July 14, 2015...Only two days go by but I am anxious and tired of waiting. I do a home test...I am pregnant. I start to literally shake in fear...I cry...I'm terrified! Gary is worried too. I cry out to God...I ask Him why did He allow this to happen with my heart condition and even after we were so careful? I am mad at God!
4:00 in the morning on Wednesday, July 15th I am awoken by, I am sure, The Holy Spirit. I heard very clearly, "His name is John." I rub my belly and immediately fell in love with my baby...I praised God! I said, "Ok God, I am pregnant, let's do this!" I trusted Him and had faith that this would be ok...I knew it...I fully knew it.
Thursday, July 16th...By now all of my doctor's knew. I wanted to make sure that I would start getting care to ensure both mine and baby's safety. My doctor's were very encouraging and ensuring me that things would be ok. I was feeling very relieved...I praised God! That same day I went and had my blood drawn.
Then on Saturday, July 18th I had my blood drawn as well.
Monday, July 20, 2015...The Ob nurse calls to tell me that my levels are very low and that they need me to do another blood draw...I sadly go and get it done. I beg God, "Please, no!"
Wednesday, July 22, 2015...The nurse says that they are still too low and that they needed me to come in for an ultrasound...They worried that either I had a tubal pregnancy or that I have lost the baby. My heart was broken...I am angry and confused...I scream at God, "Why?!"
Thursday, July 23, 2015...Fully expecting them to say that baby was gone and to start discussions on how we should go about things that would be safest for my heart condition, but instead I see my baby alive and growing right on schedule...My husband and I hear his tiny little heart beating! She prints me off a picture...I am completely confused...How can this be?! Then they said, there is a chance I may still lose the baby...His heart rate is too low. They scheduled me for another ultrasound a week later...They wanted me to have hope, but I was too afraid...Too emotionally worn out. My heart literally hurt...I told God that this just isn't fair and that He is cruel!
Friday, July 24, 2015...I look at the ultrasound photo of my tiny little almost 7 week old baby. I cry...God gave me such a gift. He allowed me the blessing of seeing him alive and moving. He allowed me the blessing of not only hearing his tiny little heart beating, but also seeing the flashes of light on the screen as his heart pumped! He allowed me such a sweet and precious gift. I praised Him through many many tears!!!
I decided right then that I would not give up hope on my little baby boy whom God called John. That as long as there was hope I would hold onto it with all of my might! I knew that God may still take him home, but I was going to hope like I have never hoped before. I seen him alive and I determined that until proven otherwise I would live each day as if he were living too...He deserved that. God deserved my faith in Him and this little one deserved my hope for him! I knew two things for sure...1, I would see my little one face to face one day and 2, I would hold my little one, one day. What I didn't know was when that would be...After these 9 months or after I passed from this earth into eternity? But, I refused to give up hope...I thought even if things don't work out the way I wanted it to, I knew that God would comfort me and heal my broken heart.

Thursday, July 30, 2015...Our second ultrasound...My baby's tiny heart has stopped beating...My heart literally feels as if it has sunk so far into my body...I am crushed inside...broken. I hoped so hard...I prayed...I trusted...I faithed it up more than I ever have in my life before! I asked God, "Why?" Did He just give me this baby only to grieve? That didn't make any sense. Why would He allow me to get pregnant even with my heart condition, even when Gary and I were extra careful...Just to take my baby away? I couldn't understand any of what was happening. This was literally the worst 2 weeks of my life...and it was only going to get worse. As I sit here cradling the middle of my body, heart literally aching for this baby, I pray for answers. I am not angry at my Lord...I can't be...I have tried though, let me tell you! But, when I am asking Him why has He allowed my baby to lose his life? I am reminded that He crushed His own Son's life for mine...and my little one. I know He loves me...I know He loves this baby. I know His ways are much higher than my own. I know He has not forsaken me.

I sit here realizing that I won't get to be 8 months pregnant, physically exhausted and ready for this to just be over...Instead I am only just 8 weeks pregnant, emotionally drained and not at all ready for this to be over. I hold my middle...touching my belly and pray.

I praise God for blessing me with the precious little life of our John David, even if for just a moment...He has already blessed my heart more than anyone could ever even imagine. I will cherish the memory of him full of life in my womb and the sweet sound of his tiny little heart beats...Until we meet in eternity with our wonderful and merciful Savior! I look forward to that day...The missing pieces of my heart will no longer be lost and my heart will be made new and complete!

Our Little John David
(6 weeks and 4 days old)

For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother's womb.
I will give thanks to You for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there were not one of them.

How precious also are Your thoughts to me, Oh God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand.
When I awake, I am still with You.
~Psalm 139:13-18 


  1. Tina my dear friend, words cannot begin to describe how sorry I am for your loss. To know the heartache you are feeling right now. I have been in your shoes so I know the pain, hurt, and emptiness you are feeling with the loss of your precious baby. I cannot imagine the fear coursing through your body as you discovered you were pregnant, knowing the danger it would be to yourself, but I know that you trusted in God to keep you both safe and that ultimately the decision was wholy in His hands. I've prayed so much for you when we thought we were going to lose you, I cried so many tears, begging God to keep you on this earth with us, that we weren't done with you and that we all needed you, especially you husband and children. I truly feel that my prayers were answered! I love you so dearly and I cannot imagine my life without you in it. You've opened my eyes to the Lord and helped me in my path to loving and trusting Him. I pray now that with time your heart heals from this grief you are enduring and I hope you know that you are not alone in this. You will overcome this pain, but you will never forget the loss. To know that the Lord spoke to you and told you your baby's name is so amazing to me. I can honestly say I don't think He has ever spoke to me, or maybe I just wasnt listening... Either way, I hurt for you, I love you and will never stop thinking Him for bringing you into my life!

    1. Oh Lynette, I don't know how I missed this comment. Thank you so much for being such a wonderful friend to me! I love you more than you know! Thank you so much for your prayers and kind words. I am healing...slowly...with God's comfort. I have never ever felt so heart broken yet so loved! God is good!

  2. We'll be praying for you and your family, Tina!

    1. Thank you so much for your prayers...They are much needed <3