And Baby Makes 10

I haven't blogged in awhile...I have been sick...VERY sick. But don't worry, I'm not contagious...you can't catch what I've got. See, we're pregnant...By "we're", I mean me...as in just me...Only me. Cause you know, husbands can't be pregnant...or sick with pregnancy sickness...ALL...DAY...LONG sickness! Nope not we're...just lucky lil me.

We've been holding onto this secret for a little more than 13 weeks. For a few reasons...

The first and main reason is that we just lost a little one a few months ago this past summer, and we really didn't want to have to bring everyone through that with us once again...just in case. His story can be read here.

The second reason is my heart...We understand completely that everyone who knows the story of what transpired will be concerned. We truly don't want others to be anxious, stressed and worried. My heart dr has already given me two huge high flying thumbs-up and says that my heart is strong and healthy! He sees no issues with this pregnancy on his end and from his viewpoint...I am good to go. Just as a precaution though I am seeing a high-risk pregnancy dr, a regular pregnancy dr, and have extra appointments set up with my heart dr. I feel like I am in good, competent and caring hands and that the Lord has provided greatly! Right now we are really just not in any need for lectures, negative opinions or panic from those we love so dearly...But instead need your love, support and prayers.

The third reason is...Well honestly, we've experienced some serious negativity with the announcements of our last two little blessings and just weren't quite ready to hear it all again so soon this time around...Hahaha! We get it...We have lots of babies! You all think we're crazy! You all wonder if we've figured out yet how this happens...And obviously we have, or I certainly hope so by now since we've been here a time or two...or lots more. And then the biggest wonder from all of you is if one of us is going to get fixed. I'm not even really sure what that means exactly, cause I'm pretty sure things are working rather well and don't seem to be in any need of "fixing". And although we do truly appreciate your concern for our personal fertility parts and the activities that go on with them, we'd greatly appreciate even more your shared happiness along with us.

Soooo...Now you all know...Well all two of you that actually read my blog. Well maybe just one of you since the other reader is my hubster and I'm fairly certain he knows all too well that we're having a baby. Will you do us the pleasure and please join us in celebrating this new little life that God has so richly blessed us with?

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, 

The fruit of the womb is a reward.

Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, 

So are the children of one's youth.

Happy is the man (and woman) who has his (and her) quiver full of them;

They shall not be ashamed
~Psalm 127:3-5

Our 3 youngest (of our 7) taking a family homeschool field trip to the dr to see baby for the first time! They were in such awe, wonder and amazement! God is good!

My 40 Day Adventure

I just recently finished an adventure...You may envision a ship sailing the seas or maybe an airplane in flight. No, not the kind of adventure that would take me far from home. This was a local adventure actually. Climbing mountains or scaling rock walls? Nope, not that either. This was the type of adventure in where I had to completely step outside of my comfort zone...and well even myself really.

See, I somehow "accidentally" became involved with 40 Days For Life this year. Ok, I don't really believe it was an accident. But, God ordained and orchestrated by The Holy Spirit. This Fall I participated in their 40 day campaign, which consists of fasting and prayer for the unborn and an end to abortion. I also committed time to go and pray outside of one of our local abortion facilities.

The very first day that I was scheduled to pray, I was so excited...a little nervous, but mostly excited. This was going to be kind of fun, I thought. Driving there with my children, I was so full of joy, praying, singing praise songs and dancing in my heart. I know I must have been sporting quite the huge smile too...Haha! When I parked at the facility I excitedly and cheerfully joined the other prayer volunteers with my little ones. We walked to our designated area and I proudly held my "Pray To End Abortion" sign and I felt awesome! That was a very short lived feeling...Almost immediately I was screamed at by one of the abortion minded mother for bringing my little ones to something like this. "How dare you!" The woman screamed at me...I was startled. She continued, "Don't you have any concern for those women in there who may be offended by the sight of little children?!" Oh, she was furious...I felt scared. She walked toward us and I moved slightly in front of my children...just in case. She screamed some more and then turned away and walked into the clinic. She was starting to make me angry. I wanted to yell back at her and defend my reasoning for bringing my children. On the way home I started thinking maybe I shouldn't have brought them, and maybe the next time I wouldn't. I was feeling torn and confused...I was no longer excited about being there. I didn't like being yelled at. I felt uncomfortable.

The next day while praying at home I knew that it was the right thing in bringing my children. The sight of them obviously touched something in this woman's conscience...and it was good. She may want to deny the fact that she is choosing to abort an actual baby...her baby, but her heart, her conscience knows better. And, my children reminded her of that truth. I decided that I would continue bringing them with me whenever I was scheduled to go and pray.

When we went the very next time, on the way driving instead of singing and smiling, I prayed...I prayed for protection...I prayed that God would keep my children and myself, the other prayer volunteers, the abortion minded mothers and especially their babies safe. My demeanor and my heart were much more somber and I knew this day would be different. And oh my heart was emotionally beaten up that day! We called out to several women going in and even men that were accompanying them. Most ignored us or just said a very quick, "No!" There was one man though that we could tell was feeling very torn. He wanted to come and talk to us...We pleaded with him to please come...He didn't. I will never forget his face...He was broken. My heart was broken for him. On the drive home when my time was over, I cried...I cried so hard! I was so crushed inside for these mothers, these fathers...their babies. I just couldn't ever come again to pray...It was too hard.

Back at home I prayed and begged God to help me since He called me to this. It was too hard! This was no longer fun and exciting! I was soooo unaware of just what these "sidewalk counselors" went through. I was so naive to what really went on! It was heart wrenching and I wanted out! I just couldn't watch another mother ignore me or flip me off and just walk right into the facility to abort her baby! I regretted getting involved! But, I knew that since I committed to scheduled times, that I had to do it. I didn't want to back out. But, I also didn't want to do it with an unwilling heart either. God reignited my desire very quickly and I knew it would be hard, but sometimes following Him in obedience isn't comfortable or easy. I set my own feelings aside and let Him lead.

The couple times after that were a very wide variety of different eventful things that happened. I was yelled at, flipped off, sworn at, had my yard signs stolen, threatened...But, I also was given supported honks, waves and thumbs up. People would stop to ask what we were doing and when we told them they praised God and thanked us! I got to "meet" the abortionist dr when he'd drive into work with his beautiful fancy sports car. When anger and hate began to flood my heart I prayed for him and for the other facility workers...I prayed that God would open their eyes and hearts to the truth of what they were doing, and to see that they were committing horrific sins against a Holy God. My usually very quiet and shy self was able to call out to the dr and tell him that I was praying for him, to call out to scared and desperate mothers, lost and confused fathers, lead prayer and even read scripture aloud with others. I know that was only by the Holy Spirit. I was also blessed to witness my children praying and reading scripture aloud as well. We shared our lunch with a homeless woman and prayed with her. I was able to share information with a Russian man who spoke very little english, but wanted to know what our signs meant. I was so blessed with seeing one young couple turn away. I made new friendships and deepened old ones, but most of all I was obedient to my Lord.

These past 40 days were such a gift. It started off being an exciting fun-ish thing to do, but ended up being a somber yet blessed adventure. I am so humbled and so thankful that God allowed me the opportunity to be a part of something much bigger than myself. Something I had always had a very huge passion for, but never really truly knew much about. I committed to praying for the unborn and an end to abortion...Which I did. I hoped and prayed that I would witness just one save...But, then God went and touched many areas of my life during this time. Totally unexpected and undeserved...But He did, just because He can!

I will always treasure and hold closely in my heart my very first 40 Days For Life campaign. To God be the glory!

My 3 youngest at the Kick-Off Rally

Mid-Point Rally

My handsome little guy 

My littlest and I 

Praying at the road

Praying at the road

Working Together For Life

I have "accidentally" become involved in the prolife movement. The reason for the "quotes" is because I actually don't really believe in accidents...I believe in the sovereignty of God. A woman who leads a local prolife campaign where I live, stumbled upon a blog post that I wrote titled, 'Where Was I'  . Since then she and I have become friends and since then I have committed myself to getting involved with 40 Days For Life . If you haven't heard of the 40 Days For Life campaigns, I urge you to click on the link and research them...They are wonderful!

Because of my new involvement with 40 DFL I have experienced some pushback and some hostility. I was confused, hurt and even shocked by this. At first I thought maybe it was because some people just don't feel led to get involved...And, that's ok. I would honestly say that God doesn't call every Christian to stand outside of an abortion facilities to pray, counsel women, and to speak up for the unborn who have no voice. But, I would say that as Christians we should be concerned with the issue of abortion and we should be praying for it's end. Anyway...The pushback...I now know that it has more to do with the fact that I am partnering myself with Catholics. Gasp!!! A Protestant partnering with Catholics to pray for the precious lives of the unborn...Shocking!

This is something I am really trying to understand, but am really having a hard time with. Why are my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ turning their noses up at me because I have dared to serve with those who have theological differences than myself? I just can't see it? Where am I wrong here? Have I turned my back on my faith? No, of course not! If anything, I feel as if God is strengthening my faith by giving me a wonderful opportunity to get involved where He is obviously leading me. I have stood waaaay outside of my comfort zone and had the blessed opportunity to speak publicly by sharing my testimony, lead prayer with others, and even made a public presence outside of abortion facilities by committing myself to being there and praying. God is using these means as a way to grow me...and I am scared, excited, thankful and humbled all at the very same time!

And just as an FYI, 40 DFL isn't just a "Catholic thing". Yes, it was started by a couple families who also happen to be Catholic, but it wasn't meant to only be for Catholics. 40 Days For Life is a campaign made up of individuals of faith committed to praying, fasting and peaceful activism for an end to abortion. They are more than open to and even encourage Protestant partnering. Their goal is to unify around a common focus...To end abortion.

I know there are some theological differences. Differences that I do not take lightly...Differences that were important enough that the Reformers were labeled heretics, apostates, and even lost their lives over. I have not forgotten that, nor have I turned my back on that. But, would it be "more Christian" of me to reject a project or service opportunity because I may be the only "real Christian" there? Is that what our reformers, that we hold so dear did? No! They agonized over those that they disagreed with, trying with all that was in them to get them to see the truth. Their aim wasn't to reject them or turn their backs on them. Their desire was to reform the church they so adored! They loved the Catholic Church! To turn my nose up at partnering with Catholics or others that I may differ with theologically is, in my opinion, both arrogant and very un-Christian.

I think we can all agree that the Catholic Church has been the backbone and moving force behind the prolife movement...And, for much longer and broader than the Protestant Church's involvement. I praise God for their faithful commitment and service in protecting the innocent lives of the unborn. I am very thankful for the opportunity to be involved. I am humbled and honored to stand beside them for this precious cause!

The Disappointments Of Our Children

Have you ever noticed that when your children are excited about something, you are too? I mean of course as long as it's something safe...and well, legal. Their dreams and goals become our's too for them. When they are eager and anxiously awaiting for this really cool "something" to happen, you are too! And then, when they are disappointed because that "something" didn't really work out quite as they had hoped..so are you. Their hurt becomes yours.

What's a mom to do? I know I can't just go and fix everything...Although I'd love to and sometimes I even try. But, as they get older I've learned that I have to step back and allow them to learn through their disappointments. Sometimes they get looked over and passed by, sometimes a friend may let them down, sometimes their disappointments are caused by unfair situations. Even though I'd love nothing more than to get involved and make things better, I shouldn't. These bummers now in life will help them deal with bigger bummers in the adult world. How my children learn to deal with disappointments now will help them deal with them as they grow.

Life will be filled with un-fairs, passovers, and too bads. Even though I will always want to defend my kiddos, it may be a bit inappropriate if at 45 years old my child has their 65 year old Mama showing up at work wagging her finger and giving their boss a piece of her mind because how dare they pass over her precious adorable pumpkin and give that other schmuck the position. Ya, that would probably be pretty awkward...for everyone.

No, I guess maybe instead I want my children to develop the skills needed to handle the un-fairs and too bads on their own...with humility. Is it ok to stand up for yourself if you feel you've been wronged? Well, yes, of course. But, not in a way that says, "Whaaa, you hurt my feelings!" It's ok to voice disappointment, especially if they feel like they've been wronged. I want my children to be in charge of their own reactions. Don't lose control and get all overly emotional. Don't take disappointments too personal. Sometimes it's not even about them, but instead about someone else and something that they may be dealing with. Sometimes people only see themselves and don't realize that they may be stepping over you...Be patient with them and give them grace. This doesn't mean to be a doormat, but it does mean to show them kindness regardless of how you feel they deserve to be treated. We are all dealing with something...Sometimes our personal lives affect who we are to others without even really meaning to.

I want them to honor themselves through their disappointments. I want them to keep being themselves...Don't lower their standards, settle, or become someone they are not just to please the crowd. If someone else has been given a position or a role that they wanted, it's ok. You still be you. Don't focus on the bummers of life...Instead focus on the awesome things you've done and have been able to do. Use your disappointments and grow through them, allowing them to strengthen you. As long as my children know that they've got nothing to be ashamed of, I want them to continue to be proud of themselves. Keep your head held high and smile!

Most of all, I want them to honor God in the midst of their disappointments. They are responsible for their own reactions to life and it's many ups and downs. Life will let us down...That is a given. But, how we live through those ups and downs is who we really are. We are not defined by our failures and disappointments. We are defined by He who lives in us.

My advice to my children is this...
The world may pass you by and look over you. The world may be unfair sometimes and hurt you. The world may let you down and disappoint you...But you just keep being you! Smile as bright as you always have! Love as big as you can! Celebrate your accomplishments! And shine for Him!

My girl...Celebrating in her accomplishments! 

Missing Pieces

Have you ever lost something that made you feel just not quite whole? I mean, you were still you, but inside you felt like something just wasn't quite right...Like a piece of you was missing.

On Friday, January 31, 2013 I started to feel very dizzy, my heart rate was thru the roof. The last thing I remember was trying to catch my breath and sit down...The next thing I remember, I am lying on the basement floor at the bottom of the stairs. My middle daughter who was only 6 at the time found me, she gasped, ran down to me and said, "Mama, you're bleeding on your head, are you ok?" She didn't even wait for an answer and quickly ran to get my oldest daughter who was 14 and my oldest son who was 12. My 12 year old got to me first. He asked me if I was ok, but also didn't even wait for an answer. He grabbed the phone and threw it at my 14 year old and said, "Call 911!" He walked upstairs quickly but calmly and kept the littlest ones 2 and 4 distracted and busy. My 14 year old calmly spoke to the emergency operator telling her that her mother had fallen down the stairs and that I was bleeding from my forehead. She didn't know what happened to me, and at that moment, neither did I! The operator told her that I was not to move at all and to just lay there and wait for the paramedics, police and any other emergency responders...they were on their way. I wasn't going anywhere anyway...I had fractured my ankle during the fall. My daughter was so brave and stayed strong for me the whole time...Not breaking down even once...even when the police officer arrived and paramedics finally wheeled me out. She stood there and smiled telling me that she would call dad and everything would be ok. My children were my heroes that day...I praise God for them!
In the hospital they discovered that I had a condition in the upper chambers of my heart, but that it could be "fixed" with a minor procedure and daily medication...I was so relieved! We all thanked and praised God for sparing me!

A little more than 7 months later, Friday, September 13, 2013...A day I have no memory of...I don't even remember that week, or even the week before. I guess I had driven with my younger 3 (ages 6 1/2, almost 5 and 2 1/2) to my oldest daughter's school to help the kids in the marching band get ready for their performance during the football game. My daughter who was 6 at the time, says that once we parked and got out of the truck, I stopped, took a deep breath, told the kids to hold on for a second, and then collapsed right there in the parking lot and right in front of my children. A couple other band parents ran to see if I was ok. They called the ambulance and brought my children in the school to keep them distracted. My oldest who was now 15 was brought to me and her description of what she saw and how she reacted pains my heart severely! There "just so happened" to be a mom who was also an ICU nurse who immediately started CPR on me. She was only able to get my heart to flutter, but her quick response ultimately saved my life! I praise God for her! The police officers who "just so happened" to have already been at the school since the football game was getting ready to begin, were the first responders and one of them had to use the portable defibrillator on me which finally got my heart to start beating. The paramedics who also "just so happened" to be pulling into the high school parking lot because of the football game were also right on the scene very quickly and rushed me straight to the hospital where I am told I crashed several times, was in a coma for about 4-5 days, and the doctors and nursing staff didn't really think I was going to make it. Well, I did...I still have no memory of anything that happened. But, I do have wonderful memories of waking up and seeing my husband, children and my Aunty (who is much more like another mother to me). My youngest son turned 5 while I was in the hospital and my husband brought his presents and cupcakes so that I could be a part of that...A very special memory!
While in the hospital they discovered that I had another heart condition, but this time in the bottom chambers of my heart...not fixable. My doctor said that I needed surgery to implant a pacer/defibrillator just as a precaution...My heart sank. So, now I have this device in me...But, at least I have my life...I praised God! And the kiddos say that now I'm robo-mom...Haha! Oh ya...and one more thing says doc, "No more children, ok?" That was very hard to hear...But, God had preserved my life! He gave me a second chance! I have such a beautiful family! It took a while to accept, but God granted me the peace and understanding...I thanked Him for the beautiful children He had so mercifully blessed me with and praised Him!

Sunday, July 11, 2015...I start to worry that I may be pregnant. I tell Gary, he starts to worry too. I say that I will give it one more week.
Tuesday, July 14, 2015...Only two days go by but I am anxious and tired of waiting. I do a home test...I am pregnant. I start to literally shake in fear...I cry...I'm terrified! Gary is worried too. I cry out to God...I ask Him why did He allow this to happen with my heart condition and even after we were so careful? I am mad at God!
4:00 in the morning on Wednesday, July 15th I am awoken by, I am sure, The Holy Spirit. I heard very clearly, "His name is John." I rub my belly and immediately fell in love with my baby...I praised God! I said, "Ok God, I am pregnant, let's do this!" I trusted Him and had faith that this would be ok...I knew it...I fully knew it.
Thursday, July 16th...By now all of my doctor's knew. I wanted to make sure that I would start getting care to ensure both mine and baby's safety. My doctor's were very encouraging and ensuring me that things would be ok. I was feeling very relieved...I praised God! That same day I went and had my blood drawn.
Then on Saturday, July 18th I had my blood drawn as well.
Monday, July 20, 2015...The Ob nurse calls to tell me that my levels are very low and that they need me to do another blood draw...I sadly go and get it done. I beg God, "Please, no!"
Wednesday, July 22, 2015...The nurse says that they are still too low and that they needed me to come in for an ultrasound...They worried that either I had a tubal pregnancy or that I have lost the baby. My heart was broken...I am angry and confused...I scream at God, "Why?!"
Thursday, July 23, 2015...Fully expecting them to say that baby was gone and to start discussions on how we should go about things that would be safest for my heart condition, but instead I see my baby alive and growing right on schedule...My husband and I hear his tiny little heart beating! She prints me off a picture...I am completely confused...How can this be?! Then they said, there is a chance I may still lose the baby...His heart rate is too low. They scheduled me for another ultrasound a week later...They wanted me to have hope, but I was too afraid...Too emotionally worn out. My heart literally hurt...I told God that this just isn't fair and that He is cruel!
Friday, July 24, 2015...I look at the ultrasound photo of my tiny little almost 7 week old baby. I cry...God gave me such a gift. He allowed me the blessing of seeing him alive and moving. He allowed me the blessing of not only hearing his tiny little heart beating, but also seeing the flashes of light on the screen as his heart pumped! He allowed me such a sweet and precious gift. I praised Him through many many tears!!!
I decided right then that I would not give up hope on my little baby...my baby boy whom God called John. That as long as there was hope I would hold onto it with all of my might! I knew that God may still take him home, but I was going to hope like I have never hoped before. I seen him alive and I determined that until proven otherwise I would live each day as if he were living too...He deserved that. God deserved my faith in Him and this little one deserved my hope for him! I knew two things for sure...1, I would see my little one face to face one day and 2, I would hold my little one, one day. What I didn't know was when that would be...After these 9 months or after I passed from this earth into eternity? But, I refused to give up hope...I thought even if things don't work out the way I wanted it to, I knew that God would comfort me and heal my broken heart.

Thursday, July 30, 2015...Our second ultrasound...My baby's tiny heart has stopped beating...My heart literally feels as if it has sunk so far into my body...I am crushed inside...broken. I hoped so hard...I prayed...I trusted...I faithed it up more than I ever have in my life before! I asked God, "Why?" Did He just give me this baby only to grieve? That didn't make any sense. Why would He allow me to get pregnant even with my heart condition, even when Gary and I were extra careful...Just to take my baby away? I couldn't understand any of what was happening. This was literally the worst 2 weeks of my life...and it was only going to get worse. As I sit here cradling the middle of my body, heart literally aching for this baby, I pray for answers. I am not angry at my Lord...I can't be...I have tried though, let me tell you! But, when I am asking Him why has He allowed my baby to lose his life? I am reminded that He crushed His own Son's life for mine...and my little one. I know He loves me...I know He loves this baby. I know His ways are much higher than my own. I know He has not forsaken me.

I sit here realizing that I won't get to be 8 months pregnant, physically exhausted and ready for this to just be over...Instead I am only just 8 weeks pregnant, emotionally drained and not at all ready for this to be over. I hold my middle...touching my belly and pray.

I praise God for blessing me with the precious little life of our John David, even if for just a moment...He has already blessed my heart more than anyone could ever even imagine. I will cherish the memory of him full of life in my womb and the sweet sound of his tiny little heart beats...Until we meet in eternity with our wonderful and merciful Savior! I look forward to that day...The missing pieces of my heart will no longer be lost and my heart will be made new and complete!

Our Little John David
(6 weeks and 4 days old)

For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother's womb.
I will give thanks to You for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there were not one of them.

How precious also are Your thoughts to me, Oh God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand.
When I awake, I am still with You.
~Psalm 139:13-18 

Harming Our Own

Being a mother, I am horrified when I read or hear of a story about another mother who has hurt her own children. It literally pains my heart. But, why?

How are we as a people shocked when we hear of children being neglected, abused, tortured, and murdered at the hands of their own parents, when we as a nation have fought for and won the rights to end the lives of our unborn children in the womb? Our own unborn children in our own wombs! We no longer refer to them as babies, but fetuses or clusters of cells, blobs, masses of tissue. They are called parasites, burdens, unwanted, mistakes, annoyances. They have been ripped of their most inherent human right...Their own right to life. We have screamed from the mountain tops that the woman has the right to choose...It's her body...No one has the right to force their beliefs or opinions upon her and her rights. Meanwhile the unborn have no rights...have no worth...have no value. And then we dare to be surprised when a mother kills her own 2 children and hides their bodies in a freezer for several years?! We can't believe that a mother would kill her own son and hide his body in her car for several years?! Are you kidding me?! Are we really confused by this?! I mean, weren't they just exercising their own rights to rid themselves of mere annoyances?

When we legalized abortion, we in turn spoke very loud and very clear how children are to be viewed. How can we expect mothers to cherish and treasure their children when they have the right to end their own babies' lives? It's just a matter of age and location...In the womb, 6 months old, 2 years old, 10 years old...15! It doesn't matter. Just mere issues of legality. We have no respect for life...Well, for the lives of our most innocent. Until women begin to truly see the worth of their unborn child, that they are not just a fetus, but a baby, their baby...Then they will begin to value that life and desire to protect that life. Until then, stop being so surprised by parents harming their own children...I mean, they are only acting out what has been fought for.

Where was I?

Today one of my kiddos had a Dr's Appt. and while waiting in the lobby I met the most adorable little guy...and his Mama. He was so precious and was so not shy in the least. I asked his Mama how old he was and she said he was a year. She then tells me, "Oh man, after I had him it was like the floodgates opened up for my body to have more babies!" I was a little shocked by her openness and laughed, and responded, "Oh, really?" She says, "Oh ya, I was pregnant with twin girls!" I say, "Wow, really? You have a one year old and twin girls?! That's w..." Before I can even finish saying "That's wonderful!" she interrupts me and proudly corrects me, "On no! I WAS pregnant with twin girls...I had to get rid of that!" And she laughed and laughed...

I was shocked...Shocked silent. I didn't know how to respond to her. I sat silently for a moment...a long awkward moment and then said, "Oh." All I said was, "Oh." The only thing that came out of my mouth was, "Oh". I was afraid to say anything else as I glanced over at my own children...I wanted to come right out and ask, "Oh, you had an abortion?" To which of course she would have answered yes. Then I would have asked her why. But, those words weren't coming out of my mouth...Just "Oh". I looked at another mother seated by me who sat there eyes widened as she played with her own daughter's braided hair. She looked shocked too...Both of us saying nothing....Both of us obviously shocked by the young mother's unapologetic honesty. I was thankful when the receptionist called us. I didn't even look at her when we passed by...Instead, with my head filled with whirling thoughts, heart filled with overwhelming emotion and eyes filled with tears, I smiled at her little boy...This precious little one year old full of life!

On the drive home I became filled with anger...How can she be so brazen about what she did? She aborted her twin baby girls! For her to know that they were twins AND girls, meant she had to be pretty far along. She had to have heard their heart beats...She had to have seen them moving and playing in her womb...Her girls...Her two baby girls! How does someone do that?! And then to talk about it so openly as if it were just casual conversation...As if she were just changing her mind at the grocery store putting something back on the shelf!

I thought to myself...I know women who have had abortions and now regret that decision. They are crushed and heartbroken by the choice they made to end their precious unborn baby's life. They often will say that they never knew their baby was as developed as they thought...That they were lied to at the clinic...That they thought their baby was just a "mass of tissue" or a "cluster of cells"...Not yet a formed baby. They are broken inside for the loss of their baby....A loss caused by their own choice. They have gone through post traumatic stress disorder, depression and suicidal thoughts or even attempts. But, here is this woman bragging to a waiting room that she "got rid of" her twin girls! No remorse...No shame. She obviously knew she wasn't aborting a mass of tissue...No, she knew full well that she was ending the lives...not the potential lives...but the actual lives of her two baby girls! Why?! AND, she's a mother! She had already given birth to a very healthy and beautiful baby boy! What could cause her to not allow those babies life?! I was getting madder and madder the further I drove and the further I thought.

I started thinking..."I wonder if there were any of those sidewalk counselor's there? Was there anyone out there calling out to her pleading for her children's lives? Was there anyone there speaking up for her children who have no voice? Hmmm...I bet not. I wonder if there had been, maybe those twin girls would still be here today. There needs to be more people out there doing that. Where were they?"

And then it hit me...I heard God say to my heart..."Where were YOU?"

I cried...Where was I? That's the real question...We all want others to get the work done...But, where am I? Maybe if I was out there, those twin girls would still be here...Or perhaps maybe not...But, I will never know that because I wasn't there.

No more waiting for someone else to do the work. I am committing myself to being there. I don't know where to start or even what to say. But, I know that I can no longer sit safely at home hiding behind my computer posting pro-life pictures, quotes and articles on FaceBook, Twitter, etc...while wondering "where they were".
I have to...No, I must get out there and be there. I feel unworthy...I know that I am not capable of changing other people's minds...But...God is.

I am trusting in Him who is calling me to be there...

Rescue those who are being taken away to death;

hold back those who are stumbling to the slaughter.

If you say, "Behold, we did not know this,"

does not he who weighs the heart perceive it?

Does not he who keeps watch over your soul know it, 

and will he not repay man according to his work?

~Proverbs 24:11-12

An ultrasound image of 13 week old twins